Questions? Answers.

So, I've had a few lovely questions in the comments section from some of you lovely folks. I thought I'd go ahead and answer them here, 'cause chances are, someone else might have had the same question too. Plus I'm an open book. I think. :)

Losing It asked about my recent 7 lb drop: "That is fantastic, how did you do it? I am starting at about the same place you are and well, need the help!!"

So, I have been on a really low calorie plan for the last 12 days. I have basically been doing this, or a slight variation:

Breakfast: Light & Fit Yogurt + Nature's Valley granola bar
Lunch: Tin of tuna mixed with 1/2 cup fat free cottage cheese, 2 tbsp of grated Romano cheese and a mixture of sliced veggies (pickles, cucumber, celery, etc)
Dinner: Huge salad with tons of veggies on it, light balsamic vinaigrette or light ginger sesame dressing.

Sometimes I'll do a huge salad for lunch instead of tuna, and if I do that, I put grilled chicken on my salad for dinner. For snacks I have sliced apple, grapes or baby carrots. I also do sugar free Popsicles for dessert. At 10 calories for 2 of them, it's a sweet treat that doesn't hurt me! :)

Now, if you actually calculate all the calories I'm eating, it's pretty damn low. HOWEVER... I'm doing this for myself for a few reasons:

1. I need to shrink my stomach back down.
2. I want to break my dependence on bread.
3. I really love the feeling of eating SALAD when I'm hungry instead of crackers, cookies, chips, junk, junk, junk.

I am taking a multi vitamin when I can stomach it. I am drinking at least 2 liters of water a day. I still drink a lot of Diet Coke because I love it. I also drink a ton of green tea.

:)


Roxanne asked me a really interesting question: "I just wonder what happened to you that 4 or 5 years ago that divides your lowest weight from your current weight. Was it a guy problem, a job/money problem, or did you gain 5 pounds and just feel so guilty that you ate uncontrollably? What happened that made you devalue yourself and lose connection with your spirit?"

Phew, what a whammy, Roxie! (Sorry. I'll stick to Roxanne if you don't like my self indulgent assumption I could shorten it and give you a nickname.;) )

So I've thought about this question. I am not really sure how to answer it.

Was it a job/money problem? No. Though I will say that having a desk job with cookies baked daily, right outside my office door didn't help the situation or my lack of control.

Was it that I gained 5 pounds and felt so guilty that I ate uncontrollably? No. I don't believe that I am an emotional eater. I am much more a boredom/subconscious/situational/doing it unknowingly eater.

Was it a guy problem? No. In fact, guy problems tend to sky rocket me toward weight loss instead of causing me to gain weight.

I'll start at the beginning. (Though I've showed photos before and done a little history here, I'll make it really clear in this post.)

I started as a fairly normal sized, what is to me now, skinny kid.


By Junior High, I got into what I call my "greasy" phase, and gained weight.


After that, I was in High School, and after hearing "move your fat ass" too many times, I signed up for tennis, gym and women's athletic weight training. Roughly 2-3 hours of working out each day got me from my greasy phase to this:


After that, I gained a bit of weight when I quit the gym classes and went to the choir side of high school life. I was probably still a size 8/10. (Me in the middle)


After that, I don't know how, but I lost a little weight when I started college.


Then, done with school, got a desk job, ate fast food every day because of time restraints, didn't know how to cook/bring healthy food for myself (I just did what everyone else did in the office). I'm here on the right.


Then, got asked out by a cute guy. Dated him for 3 months. He dumped me on the phone for another woman. I was mortified. I did Atkins, lost 40 or 50 pounds, and looked like this:


Sometimes I wish I had another heartache so I could have the transformation again.

Before: (2nd from the left)


After: (on the left)



By the by, isn't my Mother GORGEOUS???

So, needless to say, I've had a struggle with weight my entire life. It's been a continuous up and down roller coaster of home run pies and salad, short skirts and sweats covered cellulite and stretchmarks.

I had another "guy" situation at the end of 2004/2005. A man who I fell in love with didn't love me back, and my heart was broken. The entire time I was dating this guy, I felt like I wasn't enough, but I could be. I kept to my diet very strictly, thinking I needed to do better, be better to keep him around. To be GOOD ENOUGH to stay in his life. To make sure I was attractive and sexy. To ensure I could seduce him if he didn't want to stay. When things ended, I felt lower than I can explain. It still stings like you wouldn't believe. I actually have a sick feeling in my stomach about it right now. The level of self disgust I feel when I'm rejected by a man I care about is astronomical.

Quite soon after that I started a relationship with my current boyfriend, who I have been with ridiculously happily for 4 years. He's on the slim side, and can eat anything he wants to. Living with him definitely became my noose because I fell back into horrible eating habits. Add to that the fact that he loves me unconditionally, finds me sexy no matter what I have looked like, and is relentlessly supportive, sweet, caring, kind and loving... made it somewhat easier to slip back into the abyss of carb-land.



I feel guilty that he moved in with/fell in love with this woman:


And now is living with this woman:




So.

I don't know. Comfort was the culprit? I don't think I've ever thought of getting fat as "devaluing" myself and losing connection with my spirit. Maybe devaluing myself. I don't think I've ever lost connection with my spirit. In fact, the last year of my life has been the best, I've gained a ton of confidence in my talent and mind, started my own business, moved to another state, and I've still been a fat girl.

I definitely believe I'm happier when I'm skinnier because... I have more confidence in my body, I get whistles (come on, they make you feel great,) and I can wear whatever the hell I want to and not feel like a schlumpy dumpy doo doo.

I don't know if this has answered your question, but it's out there now. :)

~J